Shalyssa: “How are you?”Me: “OK”Shalyssa: “Why just ok? What’s wrong?” Ok, so here is the thing… in today’s Western world, we are given the message that if we are anything other than “great”, there is something wrong. I spend a lot of time validating and explaining that given people’s circumstances, they are appropriately distressed. For example, if they don’t have financial security, a peer group/ tribe, a sense of purpose or mastery, meaning or creativity and play- it is ex

Babies cry when they want their needs met, and it doesn’t matter if they are physical needs, like when they are hungry and want to be fed, or if they are emotional needs, like they are feeling scared or just want a cuddle. We come out knowing we matter and that our needs matter. We aren’t afraid of asking for them or even acting out to get them met, like a toddler having a temper tantrum at the grocery store. Somewhere along the way though, we often unlearn that we matter and

Three simple but not easy questions can help you with this. Are you prepared to take the good and the bad? Are you willing to change the stories you have about yourself? Are you ready to risk failure and looking like a fool in order to find out who you are now? Let me explain… TAKING THE GOOD WITH THE BAD One of the biggest things that holds us back is when we have  mixed feelings towards others. It comes down to the fact that we don’t want to be mad at the people we care abo

We like certainty! We create absolutes out of uncertainty all the time! We turn things that are not definitive at all, like marriage, religion, politics, right and wrong, and we make them into absolutes! We insist that when WE say “I do” it will be forever, even though the divorce rate is over 50%. We have holy wars because we are so certain OUR religious beliefs are the RIGHT ones … the problem, is the other side is equally convinced theirs are too! We talk about what is “ri

We evolved as a social species, which means we connect and learn through stories. Stories tell us who the “good guys” are and who the “bad guys” are. They tell us what is allowed and what isn’t. They teach us about ourselves in relation to others. Stories also teach us how we can stay safe and have our needs met. Stories we hear from the people around us shape how we see, experience and interact with the world. Sometimes we learn stories that seem good for us, like that we ar

I am comfortable with feelings                 True/ False If you answered True, read on, it will probably validate what you already know and may even teach you something new If you answered False, read on, it just might change by the end of this post! Now I only have 2 Questions for you… Which describes you best? I don’t ask or change the subject, even when someone is clearly upset I will talk about other people’s feelings when it can’t be avoided I initiate conversations ab

Here is a 5 min video summary about how and why we form Survival maps. see if you can see yourself in any of the descriptions. We have also added a RESOURCES page, where we will be uploading worksheets, handouts, and more in the coming weeks. So make sure you check back often and that is also where you can find the Facing the Past exercise I talk about in the video. Feel free to use these resources for yourselves or in your work. NOTE: When something happens that we KNOW we d