I was at a conference late this week and had the good fortune to speak about relationships and attachment with other clinicians. It was quite impressive because there were thousands of clinical (and just life experience) hours in the room. The attendees were  from all over the world, ranging from Australia, Italy, the UK, to local folks from other parts of Canada or from the US. Here are the  top 2 gems from my time with these wonderful people… Up to the age of 7 yo, it is ou

These questions come from just about everyone when we first meet, but especially when they haven’t had any “major  traumas” in their lives. It is as if they feel they don’t even deserve to be upset. They get even more upset, because they aren’t supposed to be. People will tell me about how their parents did their best and tried to motivate them and gave them opportunities, so what is their problem? Let’s look at the sneaky ways survival maps are created through this 15 min vi

Bosses give us job descriptions in part so we know what is expected of us. Ideally, clear expectations guide our choices and actions. When we do what is expected of us, it reduces conflict and usually makes everyone happier. We get a pat on the back, the boss’s life is made easier and we get to feel like we are on the same page. How come we don’t do that as parents or in our close relationships? How come most parents don’t explicitly tell us what is expected so there are no m

I despise cold, so I was particularly looking forward to going in the dead of winter and we were really looking forward to the break. We arrived to find our “Island view” was a view of the hotels’ dumpsters. Literally. As some of you know, I do my best to practice what I preach, and if I matter, then we did not come to look at tropical hotel garbage! That is NOT what was advertised nor what we signed up for. So I politely went to the front desk, explained the situation and as

We have a 12 yo, and we were just talking about consent with him and came across this great video that talks about consenting for sex using the metaphor of making a cup of tea.  It is truly a great quick video- well worth the watch (see below). Warning:  there are a couple of swears at the beginning, still well worth it! It also got me thinking though, how the same concept also applies to relationships. In addition to thinking of it as a metaphor for sex, it is also about adv

by Photos8.com Good mental and physical health requires RESPECT, LOVE, COMPASSION, and BOUNDARIES. How you define these terms will differ based on your lived experience. If you have never explicitly thought about what these terms mean to you, maybe today’s post will help. If you have thought this through before then today’s post may be a reminder – either way, clarity of thought brings clarity of action. RESPECT For most people respect includes elements of verbal and non-verb

We usually learn to value ourselves from how valued we felt growing up. (See video about survival maps for more) It sets the stage for how we see ourselves and how we treat ourselves. It also impacts how we allow ourselves to be treated, and expect to be treated by others. (See last week’s post on Do you matter?) So let’s take a moment to look at our friends from the belief that  “I matter” instead of from whatever automatic lens we may have learned … 1. Who do you spend the

Quick- how much do you think I value them? (Rate from 1-5, 1= not at all, 5= a lot) Just based on that 1 sentence description about how I treat my sunglasses, you were able to get a sense of how important and valuable my sunglasses are to me. Quick- how careful would you be with them if you found them after seeing me treat them that way?  (Rate from 1-5, 1= not careful at all, 5= very careful) We use the same process to communicate TO OURSELVES and OTHERS how important we are

This is true whether it is about work we are doing now, or work we did in the past and also true of paid or unpaid work. A few weeks ago in our post about Work and Family, we talked about how part of the reason for this is that work can be one of the ways we get a lot of our needs met, so when we feel it is being threatened in some way, it can be very de-stabilizing. Another reason is because we are always interpreting the present through the lens of our past experiences and

Have you ever wondered why it can be such a BIG issue? WORK (paid or not) provides us with: A sense of SAFETY (financial and physical), especially when it is paid work because without money we can’t have food or shelter. It allows us to maintain the standard of living we and our families are accustomed to. For many financial safety also means physical safety. Here in Canada we are fortunate to have good public access to health care. However, our health care system pays for th

How come something as basic as rejection, isolation and exclusion can be so powerful in controlling human behaviour? Because we evolved to be a SOCIAL SPECIES, we NEED a feeling of belonging in the same way we need food and water for survival. In the past 20 yrs the research world has exploded with evidence showing there is actually “survival of the nurtured”. People with healthy (Secure) attachment styles, stemming from having caregivers who they felt were emotionally and ph

You decide… I was working with a young woman in her 40’s a while ago, Samantha. She was conceived around the time her mother had an affair. Samatha was found to be her biological father’s on paternity testing, but her conception and birth were surrounded by marital problems and strain in the family. Her parents decided to work things out, and were largely emotionally unavailable over the many years it took to do so. Pam, her older sister, who was about 4 yo at the time, blame

Have you ever had that kind of relationship with something? Someone? You really LOVE one part of them and DESPISE the other. Perhaps it is that you hate being overweight, but you LOVE the comfort and taste of food. Maybe it is that you really LOVE your partner, but can’t reconcile staying when they keep cheating, or intimidating you. For some it is loving the momentary calm that comes from avoidance when we drink or smoke a joint, but hating the consequences. How have YOU han

There is a constant pull between the magic in the air from being around kids who believe in Santa and the expectations of others to host, or mingle, or perform certain family obligations. We often feel forced to be around people we would not otherwise be around and any unresolved feelings we have tend to come up. As always, there are a lot of mixed feelings. Pile onto that expectations for gifts and extra food purchases, often contributing to financial strain and you have a r

The way it happens is always the same…so let’s look at some actual examples and what we can do about it! Isabella (not their real name) Uncertainty: Getting overwhelmed at work – started to feel not Survival Map:  Isabella learned that her sense of worth comes from her work and getting things done. She had learned she could only depend on herself, so asking for help was not an option. So when uncertainty triggered her survival map, her map actually was to over-invest in work.