We (humans) are inherently a social species. As we evolved, our need for each other evolved alongside with it in order to ensure our survival as food became scarce and we had children who were dependent on at least one parent for prolonged periods of time for survival.
In short, we are biologically programmed to feel better, and safer when we are connected to a tribe we feel we belong to. I hope you caught that, it actually has to be a tribe WE feel WE BELONG to, otherwise we don’t get those benefits.
In fact, when we end up in social situations where we DON’T FEEL CONNECTED, we often end up in a chronic state of fight or flight. When we don’t feel like we fit in, we unconsciously and sometimes consciously fear we will be rejected, activating the stress response. These damaging effects can happen when we end up in social contexts where we feel quite different from the rest of the pack in meaningful ways to us. It can happen when our values or ideologies don’t match those of our co-workers, families, romantic partners or friends or when we just don’t feel like they “get us”.
So how do we know if we have found OUR TRIBE?
Here are some good questions to find out…Rate each of these items between 1-5.
I feel emotionally safe in this relationship
(I believe my needs are equal to the other person’s, I feel comfortable asking to have my needs met, setting boundaries and enforcing them and I can tolerate the other person being upset without needing to fix it or compromise myself in some way)
1 ——————- 2 —————– 3 —————- 4 ————— 5
Strongly Disagree Disagree Unsure Agree Strongly Agree
I feel physically calm, settled and relaxed when I think about this person or am in their presence?
1 ——————- 2 —————– 3 —————- 4 ——————– 5
Strongly Disagree Disagree Unsure Agree Strongly Agree
3. I feel SEEN, HEARD and like what I say MATTERS when I am around this person? Do I feel like I can be myself?
1 ————— 2 ————— 3 —————- 4 —————- 5
Strongly Disagree Disagree Unsure Agree Strongly Agree
If you answered no to any of these questions, there may be some work to do within yourself or you may need to look at your relationships to see if they are healthy for you and if not, what you can do about it.
Have a wonderful week!
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